Rain Walk Revelations
by Yemam2422
Summary: DL. Post 'Personal Foul' One shot. SPOILER FOR NEXT EPISODE 'TAXI'.


**A/N:** Up until this week's episode I thought Lindsay knew about Rikki. This story is my way of coming to terms with that probably not being the case and trying to fill in some blanks. This is unbeta'd so please forgive any mistakes and/or general horrible writing. Also, I own nothing. Thanks for reading!

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Lindsay started going on rain walks after the death of her friends in Montana. The walks helped her escape from real life, ever so briefly, and the rain seemed to cleanse and soothe her. It had been a long time since she'd been on a rain walk but she was drawn to the cold wet streets on this night, as if they were a sanctuary, hoping to find some peace and clarity as she thought about the past twenty days. Twenty days without Danny.

Twenty days ago Lindsay felt like she was walking through quicksand. Struggling with each step and breath, afraid she would fall into a bottomless, suffocating pit of sadness. Each motion was a draining effort that left her wondering how she would get through the next minute, hour, day.

Twenty days ago, the night after Stella's apartment had burned down, Danny managed to corner her in the locker room but she didn't need to hear his reasons or explanations for why she no longer mattered to him. Lindsay didn't need to hear what Danny had to say to know it was over between them. Besides, she'd said everything she could. There's not much left to say after you've told someone you love them. They either reciprocate or they don't. It was pretty black and white and she knew where she stood with Danny – in the dark, lonely black area where he had cast her aside.

He'd been slipping away for weeks, ever since Ruben died. Forgotten birthdays and missed lunches were no big deal but Lindsay knew those moments had symbolized so much more. She didn't want to foolishly pretend that closure would be good and she'd be able to wrap up the mess of their relationship in a pretty little bow. She felt sickened by his presence that night, as if all the uncertainty and hurt and sadness from the past month had swirled into a tornado in her stomach, uprooting all of her insides, threatening to spew out her body.

She swallowed hard, fighting tears and anger. She clenched her fists in an effort to stop her hands from shaking as she told Danny that she'd give him the space he apparently wanted but she needed hers too. Move on. That's what she told Danny they needed to do before bolting out of the locker room. She'd experienced heartache before but this was new, different, devastating.

Lindsay had been overwhelmed by the massive mess confronting her – having to face Danny every day at work, acting like nothing was different, hiding her anger, her sadness - both eating away at her. Sometimes in the middle of the night she would still reach for him, her heart breaking again when she realized he would never be there next to her.

Occasionally, her and Danny's relationship played in a loop in her mind as if rewinding a movie, watching her life fly by as an outsider looking in. Danny ignoring her calls, making excuses to not to get together, working over time, not coming into work. In hindsight everything was disturbingly crystal clear.

Eventually, the fog in her heart and mind seemed to clear and she was able to think more coherently about what had happened and knew she would survive. When Lindsay looked at Danny now she saw a stranger. But parts of him were still so familiar. They way he would move his hands when he talked or his bad jokes or the tingle of awareness that still traveled her body when he looked at her a certain way. She couldn't hate him. But she couldn't forgive him yet either. She could sympathize with his struggle with guilt and grief. But she couldn't pretend to understand …or forget…how he'd chosen to deal with it.

In the beginning, seeing Danny, working with him, was tense and awkward, filled with strained conversations, and forced congeniality. The climate changed every time they were in a room together but everyone politely ignored how their usually warm interactions were suddenly frigidly cold.

But Lindsay managed to find comfort in the relief that came with the finality of an ended relationship. There was no more 'Danny and Lindsay.' There were no more questions about why Danny wasn't returning or her calls or being distant. She wasn't good enough for Danny. Or maybe he wasn't good enough for her. Either way, she was starting to move on.

The wall Danny had slowly and craftily broke through over the past two years was going back up brick by brick, layer by layer – the only defense for her broken heart. She refused to let Danny see how much he hurt her. With only shaky confidence in her own plan, Lindsay started feeling better about the reality of life without him.

They'd settled into a rhythm of functioning awkwardness. Lindsay was relieved that they could at least work together and was proud that she'd managed to keep her cool, even if it was only superficial. Their rhythm only hiccupped when a reminder of what they used to have reared its ugly head – when they would be transported back to when they were together, when they shared the events of their days, their lives. Like when she passed their favorite restaurant, or when she could smell his familiar, earthy scent in their office even when he wasn't there. It was in those moments when the pain started again, emerging whenever she remembered how hard he'd pushed her away. It wasn't as strong as it used to be but it still made her whole body clench as if trying to fend off the memories and sadness of having lost the man she shared them with.

His suggestion to rent Jaws had been one such moment and Lindsay was surprised at how much his offer had shaken her. She'd become momentarily paralyzed and struggled to comprehend his words as if they'd been spoken in another language. Watching a movie together is what friends do. They weren't friends anymore. She couldn't define what they were anymore and it irritated Lindsay that Danny felt like he could.

Seeing Danny's picture pop up on her phone as she took her rain walk was another such moment. She remembered how he'd ducked and hid from her as she chased him around the lab attempting to get a picture of him. Lindsay knew he thought things like that were silly but eventually he relented, posing with the cheesiest smile he could make.

"Hey," she said, a little tired and a little unsure of why he was calling her so late after their shift had ended.

"Hey. Where are you?" Danny was grateful Lindsay had answered. He was desperate to talk to her. All he wanted was five minutes to talk. Five minutes to explain everything – what he'd done and why he'd done it. He wanted to make things right. Lindsay's detachment had left Danny disconcerted and relegated to simply watching, though she didn't reveal much. He would try to gauge Lindsay's reactions and mood but more often than not he found her mouth set in a firm line and a haunting stare, not revealing anything. She had meant what she said about moving on, but he was determined to do the right thing. That's all he ever tried to do – with his job, life. He didn't always succeed or make the right choice. Rikki was the perfect example of that.

"Going for a rain walk. It's a Montana thing. You wouldn't understand."

_I do understand_. That's what he'd been trying to talk to her about if she would listen. He finally understood everything. He understood that he'd hurt Lindsay in the worst way possible. He understood he'd been too selfish to care before. He understood that he should have known better than to think his overbearing girlfriend routine would work on her. He finally understood the brutal honesty and raw emotion that dripped from her admission that she loved him. Being unable to say any of these things had filled him with dread and nerves, uncertain if he'd ever be able to fix things. Now that he had a chance, though, his mind was revolting against him, struggling to form the words he so desperately wanted to say. They came out scratchy and shaky.

"Yeah. Maybe I would. Maybe there are a lot of things I understand now. How about that?"

Lindsay was surprised by Danny's question, surprised that he'd crossed the imaginary line in the sand that once was blurred but now clearly delineated their lives as co-workers and the mess that everything else had become. In the past weeks, they had mostly stayed in the safe work zone but Lindsay's rain walk had her feeling thoughtful, curious and ready to venture a small step across too.

"Yeah? Like what?"

"Like how sorry I am for pushing you away."

"Danny, I tried to give you your space but I don't know how much longer I can feel alone. It's messing with my work, it's breaking my heart."

Danny winced at the pain he heard in Lindsay's voice and the fact that he was the one who caused it.

"No, I know, I know. I do and I swear to God it won't happen again." Danny paused. The 'it' in his sentence was so heavy and nebulous, hanging in the air, threatening to drop and destroy everything in its path. But those words couldn't be said over the phone, it would have to wait. With a deep breath Danny continued.

"Because the truth is I miss you. I miss you more than I can say. Even if I don't know how to say it."

Lindsay stopped on the sidewalk as his words echoed through her. Her heart stumbled, and her throat closed as she soaked in the flood of emotions that streamed through her - relief, happiness and doubt. She smirked at the fact that Danny had said the most romantic words he'd ever said to her while she was in the most unromantic setting – far from him, dripping wet in the middle of a cold, deserted sidewalk.

"Do you know how hard you are to love?"

Lindsay had shocked him the first time she'd said that word. He'd had to repeat it over and over to try to understand it. This time, a wave of relief swept over Danny. She still loved him. Or at least could love him again one day. There was still an undercurrent of guilt, though, over what had remained unsaid. But he'd been so lost without Lindsay and finally saw a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe things would never be the same between them but hopefully they could leave the past couple of months behind them, even if it was only baby steps at a time.

"Why don't you come over here and tell me in person. Please."

Lindsay paused at the hint of despair in Danny's last word and almost immediately said 'yes'. But it was too much, too fast. She was still too raw and hurt. She needed more time for her heart to heal. Maybe it would be in an hour, a week or a month but it wasn't right then.

"I gotta go," she said and quickly hung up before she changed her mind, still trying to determine if loving Danny Messer was too big of a risk.

xxxx

Danny called Lindsay every night after her rain walk. Sometimes they talked for five minutes and other times for an hour. Sometimes they talked about funny lab stories and other times about Ruben. The icy barrier between them slowly started to thaw in small ways - quick smiles in the lab, the inches of space when the stood together seemed to connect them now instead of distance them, Danny bringing Lindsay her lab results just to feel that small tingle of electricity that he'd thought was gone forever.

But still Lindsay was hesitant and resisted the temptation to throw herself into Danny's arms. It was only after Hawkes had used the nickname given to her by Danny did she realize she was ready. Ready to hear Danny call her Montana, a name she hadn't heard in what felt like forever, a name that represented what they once had. A peace finally settled over her as she realized there was no such thing as a perfect relationship – only people who take chances because they love each other. Danny wasn't perfect but neither was she. She struggled for days about the next step to take with Danny. And now, with Hawkes' unwitting help, she knew exactly what she was going to do.

She was nervous when Danny answered his door later that night, goosebumps covering her skin – from nerves, anticipation and attraction. There were so many thoughts and words running through her mind that everything had turned into mush. So much had changed between them and Lindsay had to adjust to seeing Danny as the person he was and not the guy who broke her heart.

" Hi," she said, finally breaking the silence.

Energy surged through Danny's body at the unexpected sight of Lindsay, his heart slamming against his ribs. He suddenly became unable to direct his body to do anything except stare at her. Why had she come? Was this a good sign? Or maybe she'd come to the conclusion that she didn't want to try to make things work. He was so lost in thought, it took him a moment to realize he hadn't said anything yet.

"Hi. Come in."

After Danny closed the door behind them, Lindsay turned to look at him, so much uncertainty and so many unspoken words hanging heavily in the air. Danny had waited so long to talk to Lindsay – really talk to her - but now that she was in front of him he didn't even know where to begin. How sorry he was, how he wanted to move forward. He didn't know where to start and fell back on food until he calmed down.

"You hungry? I was just cooking dinner."

"Sure."

As she walked behind Danny, Lindsay flashbacked to their times together in this apartment. The pool table. The couch where they lounged together watching movies. The hallway which led to his bedroom where they spent many memorable nights. The bookshelves which still housed books and photos she'd given to him as gifts. And the kitchen, where they were now, where they shared so many meals and conversations – and even one frisky night on the table.

Their hands brushed as Lindsay took the glass of wine Danny offered making every inch of their bodies electrified. Lindsay could feel the warmth of his skin, Danny could smell the hint of shampoo and vanilla that had become so familiar to him.

What were they doing, Lindsay wondered. Dinner and drinks – it was scary how quickly they were falling back into the normalcy and warmth of what they once had. It felt good but overwhelming and scary too.

"Danny, what is this?" Her lower lip trembled slightly as looked at him, some unnamed emotion on her face.

Danny was about to say 'just dinner' but he knew what Lindsay was asking. He

had been the one to mess up so Lindsay would be the one to set the pace and direction of where and how things went from here. He wanted – needed - to prove himself, redeem himself in Lindsay's eyes. He was ready to do whatever it took.

"It can be anything you want it to be," Danny whispered.

"I want a lot."

"So do I."


End file.
